I LOVE the weekends........

Blaze had his first LaCrosse game yesterday. It’s our first experience with LaCrosse and I find it quite entertaining. Blaze played the last couple minutes on JV and his team won 14-4. It was funny though because as soon as Blaze gets in the game he gets a penalty for totally plowing in to one of the players from the other team; I swear that kid flew 10 feet.

Today is Friday; I love Friday. I’m hoping for nice weather all weekend because I have so many things I would like to get done. I figure if I make a list I will be more motivated to do them and not forget the important things.

1. Get my jewelry out of hock. √ (already got one done!!)

2. Clean my bedroom.

3. Clean off the back patio.(done)

4. De-Junk (done)

5. Buy Blaze a new LaCrosse stick.

6. Make homemade bread.

7. Recruit Michael to help change the oil in my car and….

8. Wash my car inside and out (to pay his portion of my phone bill).

9. Work-out Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

10. Call all the people that I love dearly.

I have been putting off numbers 2 and 3 for quite some time so I’m not sure if I will complete these tasks as together they would actually take a full eight hour day. Baby steps.

Sunday - Finally Sparked for Spring

I love daylight savings time in the spring; I hate it in the fall. Spring being my favorite season of all time, I got up early and took a long walk with my dog Brian (Blaze was still sleeping). When we got back, Blaze was awake so we went and surprised Michael with a knock on the door and dragged him back to our house for a big homemade breakfast. Michael was in no mood to find out that the clocks had been pushed forward and wanted to go home immediately after breakfast to go back to bed. Actually that isn't the total truth. He wanted to borrow my car to drive to DC with one of his druggy friends to do God only knows what and when I refused he said he wanted to go home. It's tough being the mom of a kid who wants to take the easy way out. I was going to say the hard road but then I remember something he said to me - there is more money in selling pot and it's quicker. Obviously my argument about the cost of freedom didn't hit home. I wonder what he ended up doing the rest of the day. We had planned to go see a movie and take a run; the three of us.

Anyway, Blaze and I went up to Modell's to get some LaCrosse balls and then to Target to get some new boxers and socks, stop by Five Guys to share a small order of fries and a double bacon cheesburger. I went for another long walk with Brian and then Blaze and I went for a sprint.

Dear God, thank you for blessing me with four wonderful children. Keep them safe from harm and watch over them. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Collateral Damage: A Toast to my Family

Family. How do we define family? At one point in my life I thought my definition would never cease but as I get older I realize that it is ever evolving. Today is my niece's 18th birthday and I believe it's her father's 46th. I don't know my niece anymore but I love the little girl I used to know. Time changes people, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. Sociologist constantly argue nature versus nurture. At what age does the good nature we're born with get changed by those who have invited us into this life and nurture us with their intentions. Are we able to give only the good in us? Actions sometime speak without obvious intention.

Crossing Bridges on Saturday Night

I love Dishwalla. I think they are one of the most gifted and underrated bands of the early 21st century. "Every Little Thing You Wanted" is my ode to Michael John Dikeman, my last husband (that song says it all, the ONLY hope there ever was for us)."Angels or Devils" is my ode to Dave March (The Devil) a lover when I needed to love hard. That was a lesson and hence the song choice. He didn’t understand “the last one.........can make you cry”. And for Kevin thirty months later.."Once In Awhile", "Somewhere In The Middle","When Morning Comes (And It’s Real)".

And then there’s "Candleburn",dedicated to my daughter.

Cleaning House

I am cleaning house, mentally. When I say that I mean that I'm getting rid of the garbage, dust, bits of old sludge, and anything lurking in the crevices showing itself only occassionally to stress me out.

I started seeing a therapist February 7 to help me work through my most recent relationships end which was 30 months ago. He disconnected from me when I told him I had breast cancer and a week later nearly killed me. This from the man I said "I love you" to. I have never told someone that I loved them unless I absolutely loved them. My new reality is that there are many people who say I love you and don't mean it or mean it for their own intents and purposes.


Nevermind the criminal charges and the probation, it has been very hard for me to put him behind me. Yes, this is why I see a therapist. She is helping me to find peace in my head. I have dreams about him, loving dreams about him. Two nights ago I had a dream that I walked up the long driveway to his home and he was standing in the front yard. He walked towards me and we looked into each others eyes and we knew that the past was wrong and we put it behind us, held each others hand and walked into a beautiful future. I woke up feeling so loved and warm but also sad because it was only a dream.

My therapist told me I dreamnt that because having things turn out that way would have made my life alot easier. Having to go through the struggles of the cancer treatment, the break-up, finding a new job, finding a new home, dealing with an ex-husband, and being without any family has made me a survivor (I hate being called a survivor). Yes I hate being called a survivor. I want to be called Lover, Mother, Sister, Sweetheart, oh yes and Baby. Anything endearing but I'm really getting tired of Survivor. So............ I'm cleaning house with a Clementine Sigh.

You ask yourself, who is Clementine and what is a Clementine Sigh. Well, my favorite book of all time is called Heart of the West by Penelope Williamson. The book chronicles the life of a young woman named Clementine Kennicutt. There are alot of similarities between she and I. Although a part of me wishes I had been more like Hannah Yorke (another character in the book), the truth is I am Clementine. And why Clementine Sigh? Because of that part of me that wished to be something different than how I was raised.

Anyway, I've just talked myself into reading that book again and considering it's going to be a cold rainy weekend, what could be more perfect (I must remember to get some logs for the fire). Wish I had a man to snuggle with.

Dear God, please grace me with a good man. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.